I need to take a lesson from whoever negotiates on behalf of insurance companies. I bet it’s William Shatner, but whoever it is they delivered a “Crane Kick” to Bon Secours Hospital that would make Ralph Macchio envious. Earlier this week, I got an explanation of benefits from my insurance carrier, Anthem. My son, Stuart, had a wisdom tooth removed over the Christmas recess. Since he was born with a congential heart defect, he needs to take certain precautions whenever he has any dental work.

     Under the Provider Charges, the total shown on benefits explanation ran to $ 12,066.50. Oh, that looks reasonable, after all, Stuart was there for almost 4 hours and that’s only $3,016.64 @ hour, $50.28 @ minute, or .84 @ second. And since we had already gotten the oral surgeon’s bill which ka’chinged up another 4 grand (Bill Shatner hasn’t seen this one yet), my quick mental math based on my 20 % co-pay made me think Stuart’s one tooth might cost me $2,400. Talk about a tooth fairy!

     Fortunately, good old Capt. Kirk or whoever negotiates for Anthem did their Priceline best for me and delivered a Karate chop of monumental proportion, since under the Network Savings the number was ……. $ 10,255.99. Say what? That’s an 85 % discount. That’s some “Savings.” And does the person who has NO insurance have to pay the FULL 12 grand?

    Ever since the financial meltdown in September, we are bombarded daily with astronomical numbers to which we have become inured. It reminds me of a scene in Austin Powers II where Dr. Evil after having been cyrogenically frozen for 30 years wants to hold the world ransom for 100 million dollars. It’s Number 2 who reminds Austin that million dollars just ain’t what it use to be and maybe the ransom should be 100 billion dollars. AP II was made in 1999 and if updated for today, then I am not sure whether Number 2 saying 100 trillion dollars would even elicit a laugh. 

     We are so upside down in this country. We use words like savings, when in fact it’s a discount. The government says savings when, in fact, it’s the government not spending more. That’s exactly like someone telling me they bought something on sale, which they didn’t need, but since they saved so much they couldn’t pass it up. Tax breaks are now given to those who don’t even taxes. When we all get presented with “the check” for our current situation, let’s only hope Bill Shatner is there to negotiate it for us.